W is for Withering and Wanting
by sapphire blue-ruby red roses
Summary: After Maura dies protecting the others from a spirit on the ley line, all Blue wants to do is forget how much she's hurting for at least a little while. one-shot


**I don't have much to say about this other than I'm not too sure when I wrote it, and that I'm not sure if it is any good. Hope y'all like it.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Raven Cycle or any of the characters.**

**P.S.- It literally took me two hours to find a title, and it's not even a good one.**

W is for Withering and Wanting

Blue sighed, letting her head slowly drop forward onto Gensey's shoulder. Her body felt heavy, her chest like she was sinking into the deepest parts of the ocean. She wanted to cry, she wanted to scream, she wanted to _break_ something, but she couldn't find the tears in her already abused tear ducts or the strength to shed them, let alone do anything else. A hiccup rose in her throat, broken and sharp, and she pressed her eyes harder into Gansey's shoulder.

Sitting in the corner of Gansey's room, she pressed her back into the junction of her the walls, her knees pulled to her chest, trying to make herself as small as possible. Gansey sat as close to her as he could manage, pulled forward with a hand on his shoulder.

He ran his hand up and down her back in soothing arcs. He pressed his cheek to the side of her head, wishing he could find a way to comfort her, but, as he'd discovered long before, his words were destructive. He could only rely on physical contact, hoping that would be enough. "I'm sorry, Blue," he finally whispered.

Silently, Blue searched for Gansey's hand. When she found it, warm and strong against her hip, she pressed their palms together. Pulling back, she pulled their hands up, staring at their difference in size. Gansey's fingers are long and graceful, a cellist's fingers, and his palms are wide, but slim.

Blue's hands were small. They were thin fingers that ended a knuckle before Gansey's, her palms narrow and skinny. Unlike her mother's hands, as small as hers, Gansey's could easily engulf hers.

Watching their hands, Gansey curled the tips of his fingers over the tops of hers, folding his thumb around the side of her hand. He smiled softly, enjoying the warmth her palm brought. "So small," he murmured, glancing to Blue. He startled, staring at the tears coursing down her cheeks in bewilderment. What had he said this time?

A sob erupted from her chest. She didn't move their hands. "Mom," she sobs, pressing her eyes into his shoulder once more, clutching at his hand.

Her mind dredged up the images once more. The images of her mother's broken body lying at Adam's feet. Her name escaping her mother's mouth with her last breath. The light fading from her eyes. Adam stumbling back as the spirit dissipated from in front of them, tears cutting down his face, his hands shaking and covered in a thick coat of blood as he dropped to his knees beside Maura.

"I just want her back," Blue sobbed, winding her fingers in the back of his shirt.

"I know," Gansey soothed, returning to his steady rhythm of arcs. He sighed, pressing his forehead to her shoulder, pushing back against the memories of Maura's death that flooded his mind.

Without thinking, Blue reached for his face, twining her fingers with the hair at the base of his neck. She wanted –_needed_- to be distracted, to forget.

Before she could press her lips to his, Gansey placed his hand on her shoulder, pushing her back. Their hands were still connected, fingers still mirroring each other. "You don't want to do this," he told her.

"Yes, I do," she replied sternly.

"No, you don't, Blue. This... this shouldn't happen this was. It won't make the pain disappear."

"I just want to forget," Blue whispered, pulling at him, but he resisted.

Gansey nodded. "But this isn't the way. There are so many other ways."

Staring down at their fingers, Blue felt just the slightest bit chastised, but not so much that it hurt. She couldn't imagine what could distract her enough, make her forget. Everything she normally did, that normally distracted her, felt tinged with her mother's presence. "I...I want to feel another person, to know someone's warmth. I want you to make me forget the world." She tinkered with his belt, flashing the light off the belt buckle and gently pulling at the worn leather.

"Blue, this won't make anything better."

"I don't want it to be better. I want to forget, even for just a moment. Please." Her voice was quiet, cracked and strained, almost pleading.

"Blue-" Before he could finish his sentence, she was pushing him back, flattening him against the ground. Beside them, a stack of tomes slid sideways, sending up a cloud of dust. She was careful not to kiss him, not to let their lips touch or brush unprotected skin. Instead, she laced their fingers together, and didn't let go.

...

Ronan, Adam tucked away in his dark room, curled as small as he could make himself under the covers, found the pair hours later after the sun had already risen to its highest point. The midday light streamed through the tall windows, lighting dark crevices and hiding places a pale gold. He wasn't all that surprised. He supposed it would happen eventually, someway, somehow. That and he was still rather delirious from his own 'consolation' with Adam.

Silently, he skirted the edge of the bed and slid into the bathroom. When he returned, a soda in his hand, Blue was sitting up, her chest pressed to her sheet covered knees, Chainsaw curled against her hip. She smiled contentedly at Gansey, her eyes calm for the first time since her mother's death.

"You know, you look creepy as hell sitting there just watching him sleep?" Ronan asked without his usual degree of malice, lowering himself onto the edge of the bed beside her, stroking his hand over Chainsaw. She ruffled her feathers before settling again.

Turning her head, she looked over him, noting the love mark that darkened his pale neck and his ridiculously mussed hair. She couldn't come up with a reply that was snippy enough, her mind fogged with delirious happiness and sleep. She was comfortably aching, and sleep threatened to take her back.

Uncharacteristically, Ronan asked, "Are you okay? Are you feeling better?"

She nodded. The break in her heart was still bleeding, still throbbing, but the pain seemed bearable, _felt_ bearable now.

A sharp smile quirked the corner of his mouth, "You're not going to murder Adam in his sleep?"

Blue shook her head.

"Good because you know it happened because he was trying to protect all of us. She was trying to save him."

Blue nodded again. "I just want her back, but I don't blame him. If anything, I blame myself for not being able to protect everyone." Her voice broke.

Sighing, he pulled her into his side. It was the hug of a brother, like the ones he often gave to Matthew. "None of us would have been able to do what she'd done. So, stop blaming yourself. Self-pitying people piss me off."

Blue laughed, just a small thing, nothing like how she'd laughed before, but it was a start. "You should go back to Adam before he wakes up again. He needs you more that anyone."

"Sure," Ronan said sarcastically with a roll of his eyes. He got to his feet, scooping Chainsaw into his arms. Without anything more, he was gone, closing his bedroom door softly behind him.

After a moment, Noah ventured from his room. He wondered if the others were up yet. They'd been sleeping for so long, he'd been a little worried that they wouldn't wake up. A few hours before, he'd checked to see if Ronan had been awake in one of his insomnia-induced all-nighters, but he'd only found something he hadn't wanted to see, similar to now actually. His eyes landed on Blue's pale, naked back, and Gansey's golden hair. Without a word, he turned and disappeared, his cheeks dusted pink.

Slowly lowering herself back onto the bed, Blue turned on her side to face Gansey, reaching out a gentle hand to play through his hair. With a sigh, she let her eyes drift shut as she curled into his chest.

**I honestly don't even know where this came from. I found it in my phone. I only vaguely remember writing it. I hope it wasn't too terrible. I'd love to hear how y'all felt about it though.**


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